Real-Life Examples of Healthy Detachment in a Difficult Marriage

Let’s sit down with this for a minute, friend.

Because detachment can feel like one of those words that freezes you the second you hear it. And if that happens to you? You’re in good company. It used to happen to me, too.

Today, I just want to make it practical. What detachment looks like in real life, especially if your marriage is complicated.

Sometimes it helps to start with what detachment is not, because that’s where we get tangled.

It’s not dramatic or harsh.

It isn’t punishing.

It’s not shutting down.

Really, it’s the opposite. It’s the quiet shift that helps you stay steady when everything around you feels a bit shaky.

To me, detachment sounds like this:

o   Staying present without being swallowed up.

o   Letting go of what isn’t yours to carry.

o   Stepping off the rollercoaster and choosing steadiness instead.

o   Letting him sit with his choices while you stay anchored in your own life.

o   Giving yourself permission to stop taking on all his moods.

There’s a story tucked into the book of Nehemiah that always sticks with me.

“And I sent messengers to them, saying, ‘I am doing a great work and am unable to come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and come down to you?’” Nehemiah 6:3 ESV

Nehemiah’s up on the wall rebuilding what’s been broken for a long time. And three men keep trying to distract him. They act friendly. They pretend they just want a meeting.

But Nehemiah knows in his gut that these men don’t mean him well.

He doesn’t argue.

He doesn’t explain.

He doesn’t jump through hoops.

He simply says he’s doing great work, and he can’t come down.

They come at him five times - distracting, intimidating, wearing him down.

They even send a letter full of lies, hoping he’ll panic and lose heart.

But Nehemiah doesn’t bite. He stays focused.

He asks God to strengthen his hands… and he keeps going.

That’s the kind of quiet detachment we need.

Sometimes strength looks like staying on your wall.

And because Christmas can stir up both tenderness and tension, here are a couple of places where detachment might give your heart some breathing room.

If plans fall apart at the last minute, you don’t have to abandon what matters to you.

Go anyway.

You’re allowed to hold onto the parts of Christmas that give you life.

When someone else’s mood tries to take over the room, you don’t have to match it.

You don’t have to fix it.

You get to step back, breathe, and stay with your own heart.

I can stay present without being pulled under.

As Christmas gets closer and you’re juggling all the usual preparations, remember, it’s ok to be you. It’s ok to step back and think about how you want to show up this season, how you want the holidays to unfold for you and your family.

Here are four questions to help you sort out what you do and don’t want this Christmas.

• Where am I losing myself in someone else’s emotions, and what would it look like to step back?

• What would choosing steadiness instead of reaction look like for you over the next week?

• What is one situation where I can stay on my wall instead of coming down?

• What is one small place where I can protect my peace without feeling like I’m abandoning anyone?

Whatever stirred in you as you read those questions, start with that. Just one place, nothing more.

Stay steady. One clear step at a time is enough.

And as you take that one clear step, may strength meet you in the moments you need it most.

“But now, O God, strengthen my hands.”

Nehemiah 6:9 (ESV)

Still Her, The Journey Home